30 Days of Self Love
Day Two: The Desire for Connection
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Yesterday Ollie and I drove from Ogden, Utah to Bend, Oregon. The Utah and Idaho portions of the trip paled in comparison to driving the public lands of Oregon. To date, I believe it is one of the best places to watch a sunset and sunrise. The colors are magnificent, the landscape expansive and uninterrupted by manmade creations, and the wildlife in this area is unmoved by the few cars that pass through. We even had to stop the car to allow a whole herd of deer cross the road – deer that were unhurried as I was the visitor on their land. As I was waiting for the last deer to cross the road, I thought about the point of my whole trip, which is really the point of this lifetime.
As humans, we come with a built in chip to desire things. It was a survival mechanism, at first. A desire for food, a desire for water, and later, a desire for love. How many lifetimes have I experienced the deep desire to be loved and to really be seen by another? It starts with our parents if we are lucky enough to have them around, and then as we get older we desire a romantic partner. Yet, no matter what partner showed up in my life, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t satisfied with anyone. They didn’t know how to love me the way I needed to be loved, I would say. Of course, I did not even know how to love myself in the way I needed. How could anyone else?
It was the archetype story of Isis and Adam, as Adamus (an ascended master who shares through the Crimson Circle organization) explains to us in the ‘Wound of Adam’ channel. Adam tells Isis he loves her. He does physical things for her and makes love to her, and says, “Isis, I love you. Do you not love me too?” Isis responds, “Yes, Adam, I do love you, but I need to love me first.” Adam is wounded, and later he tries to punish Isis for being rejected…the story goes on and it’s likely you have played both roles at one point or another.
If there’s anything I have experienced in this life, it is that when I feel a deep desire for something outside of myself, whenever I long for external connection whether it is an understanding friendship or a deep romantic connection, I must find it within myself first. Even the desire to make passionate love to someone is really a desire to make love to myself.
It wasn’t pretty, but for two straight weeks in January, I found myself longing to be understood by others, to be supported in my business by the conscious community around me in Colorado. You could smell the desperation. I wasn’t getting what I needed from my friends, and they were conscious, so why could they not see what I needed and desired?
Then on the night of February 3rd, after dinner and wine with my Shaumbra (the name for members of my community) neighbors, I went into a deep sleep. I woke suddenly at 3 a.m. feeling an intense passion.
“What was this passion for?” I asked. It was for me, and I felt it permeate my body of consciousness. I sensed a passion, an attraction so intense for me, that I could not deny it.
And so the idea for this journey was born – an internal exploration of who I AM when perceiving myself through the sense of love. It’s one of those kinds of ideas, one of those opportunities to get to know yourself that you don’t turn down.
After nine hours of driving, dinner, and a beer later, I lay in the hotel bed entirely relaxed. As I drift off to sleep, I see myself walking through a canyon that does not feel of this world. It is Theos on the New Earth. I am alone walking - Ollie is in his own bed and in his own dream at this point - through the canyon in complete love, peace, and more than anything, expansion.
I sense the wholeness of who I AM. I sense the energy design of what wholeness looks like and what it means to me. I draw the energetic design in my virtual notebook so my human can remember when I wake up on old, physical Earth, continuing on the journey. Today I set out on the road, holding the energy design of wholeness within me, and exploring what it means to be a complete master of me. As usual, it won't be boring.
This is part of the 30 Days of Self Love series.
Read Day Zero HERE.
Read Day One HERE
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