Thank you to everyone who has been following along on the blog. This is the last post that will be public for the 30 Days of Self Love series. The rest can be found on PATREON. Posts will be private for subscribers, which is nice because the comments and interaction between Patrons will be private among like-conscious souls. Join us over there for daily interaction and/ or stay tuned on the New Energy Creator blog for more from Sar’h of Alexandria per reader requests.
I will admit yesterday morning I had a moment where I felt I should not post so intimately in a public space and for 30 days no less. What was I thinking?! The notion crossed my mind that it wasn’t safe. Furthermore, what did I have to say that was worthy of your attention? And worse, what if someone read what I was writing and judged/ persecuted me for it. These are normal feelings that come up for all of us when we put ourselves out there.
It gets easier as time moves on. For example, the week that Becoming Sar’h: Book One was released I had a nightmare about being ‘found out’ every night for a week. Yesterday the ‘it’s not safe’ feeling lasted for about twenty seconds. That I can manage. The week was hell. Too bad, I told the aspect, the book is coming out! While I was letting the self-doubt voice/ aspect do its thing yesterday, my soul voice – the one I call Sar’h – stepped in.
“It’s not what you write, Lauren. That doesn’t matter. It is the permission to be you no matter what. You can ramble on or whatever you feel like. It’s the exercise of sharing who you are everyday that matters.”
This experience is something I shared with a close friend, and she encouraged me to write it here. No matter how far you go putting yourself out there. No matter how much and how many times you have integrated that doubtful aspect. It will come up again and again.
What changes is how you respond to it. Now, it’s sort of like a guidepost that I’m headed in the ‘right’ direction in being who I AM. When I’m creating big, like publishing a book, the voice tends to get louder. Don’t share that; we’ll be burned at the stake for it; we’ll be hung on a cross for it… And we know that at one time that was a valid concern for all of us, AND it no longer applies to what we are creating. Thank goodness for the New Energy.
Self-love is not only about honoring our experiences and sensing the wholeness of who we are. It is also about allowing all parts of ourselves to be exposed in an act of self-love, and I encourage everyone here to do it. Even if you already out there, sharing you, take it to the next level of intensity. Whether it’s sharing even more with a friend, writing in more depth, whatever being more of you entails, do it.
I watched Alice in Wonderland the other day – the Tim Burton version. In it there is a great dialogue between Alice and Mad Hatter, brilliantly played by Johnny Depp. If you haven’t seen it, you must.
“You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier; you’ve lost your muchness,” said Mad Hatter to Alice.
“My muchness,” Alice asked.
“In there (he points to her heart/core), something is missing,” Mad Hatter answered.
How can we be in our own ‘muchness’ even more than we already are? I believe finding out is an act of self-love, a step toward perceiving our grandness in even more awareness.
So now I’m going to take you on a few twists and turns. Please hang on. I promise it will be worth it.
The night I slept in the hotel in Bend, Oregon – I have totally lost track of days, and I gave up trying to remember – I had an intense dream that I was four months pregnant. I have had these dreams before, when I am about to birth a new awareness within myself.
One of the craziest, most intense of these stories happened in 2014. I signed up to go on a trip to Egypt with a group, with people I had never met. Prior to signing up for the trip, I had a dream in which I was pregnant and the doctor told me my due date was April 30th. It didn’t make sense at the time, yet after I signed up for the trip I realized it would end April 30th, which is the day I had scheduled to fly home.
For context, the trip began in Cairo, included a week on a sailboat on the Nile, and then we went to Jordan to the Dead Sea and to Petra. Then I was to return home to Austin, Texas. However, about a week before I left for the Egypt trip I had another dream.
In the dream, I went to the doctor and said, “Hey, I’m way past my due date and this baby will not come out.” I was panicked in the dream. The doctor said, “I know it’s uncomfortable but just wait four extra days. The baby will be born on May 3rd.” I had no idea what this meant but knew enough to make a mental note of it.
That previous November (2013) I was attending a friends wedding in Lima, Peru. We were at a museum when I saw a painting of a woman and a wheel. There was something amazing going on with the woman in the painting. I knew her. It was totally insane to me at the time to ‘know’ a woman in a painting in a museum. Now it’s totally normal. I often giggle at pictures of the Last Supper. Oh hey, I know all those people, but this was way before I could giggle at such a thing.
When I got closer, I saw the painting was of Saint Catherine of Alexandria. Some of you may not know who that is, so hang on for her story, and then I’ll get back to mine…
Please note for the sake of time, parts of the story were lifted from Catholic websites who honor her. I intend to write her full story from a channeled perspective, as we have had many conversations, when time permits. It’s been on my list for a while now. Yet that day is not today.
Catherine (picture below) was born in the Egyptian city of Alexandria - that’s also where Sar’h, Yeshua and Mary Magdalene’s daughter was born - in the late 200s AD to wealthy parents. As she grew up, Catherine was known throughout the city for her beauty and her preference to spend her time reading and studying, which was not the norm for a young woman.
You see when Catherine was a child, she had a vision of the Madonna and child, and she became gripped with what she considered the true teachings of Yeshua. From the age of 14 to 17, Catherine ‘converted’ hundreds of people to the ways of Yeshua, who had lived about 300 years before her.
Now it so happened that Emperor Maxentius made a visit to Alexandria, which was part of his empire. While he was there, he heard about Catherine’s beauty and intelligence and was quite disturbed by how many people she converted, as he was not a Christian ruler. He commanded his servants to bring her to meet him. As soon as he saw her, he decided he wanted to marry her even though he already had a wife. Worse, he wanted to control her.
Catherine was not going to have it. She told Maxentius, who worshipped the ancient Roman gods, that it would never happen. She was in a sacred marriage with Yeshua, she said referring to her dedication to deeply understanding ‘the kingdom is within.’
Maxentius then gathered together a great number of teachers and professors who also believed in the Roman gods. He told them to persuade Catherine that her Christian faith was nonsense. She listened to them for a while. Next she started answering their points convincingly. The result was far from changing Catherine’s mind. These wise men began to change their minds. Catherine had successfully converted all the scholars to Yeshua’s teachings at the young age of sixteen.
The emperor was not only angry; he was alarmed. He gave orders that Catherine should be put to death in a horrible way. He had a large wheel made, with sharp blades set into the outside rim. Then Catherine was to be tied around this edge, and the blades were intended to cut her to pieces as the wheel was rolled along.
It didn’t go according to plan. When Catherine was bound to the wheel, it broke and the blades flew off in all directions, wounding the soldiers who were supposed to be putting her to death. Some people say all this was caused by lightning striking the wheel. Whether that is true or not, Catherine’s executioners didn’t try making another wheel. They beheaded her at once.
As the story goes, a flight of angels then descended from above and carried her body to Mount Sinai, where God had given the Ten Commandments to Moses. Even today there is a monastery named for Saint Catherine on Mount Sinai. Many people still celebrate Saint Catherine of Alexandria’s Feast Day on November 25, which was her birthday – and Enola’s birthday – and my/ Lauren’s due date…yet that whole story is too much for now but will be included in Book Two…Joan of Arc also credits Saint Catherine with visiting her and giving her guidance in her life. Again, more of that will be included in one of the many books I have going…
OK, so what’s all this have to do with May 3rd, and the dream that declared it my due date? Well, several days into the Nile sailing portion of the trip I heard the Egyptian guide and a new friend, Anne, talking of Saint Catherine, and I suggested we go to Mount Sinai after the group portion of the trip was done. They agreed. My new flight home would be no other day than May 3rd, which is also my dad’s death date but I digress.
Anne and I stayed past the group trip and made our way with the Egyptian guide to Mount Sinai. We not only climbed Mount Sinai, half on camel and half on foot, we also visited the Saint Catherine monastery. That night after the long journey, I fell into a deep sleep.
There in the dream state I reclaimed part of my soul. I reclaimed what I now know to be an aspect - the martyr. Catherine came home. She was no longer out there lobbying for the true teachings of Yeshua. That chapter of our soul journey and like many others was complete.
There is so much here to write, and I will do it in the many books that sit inside me waiting to be birthed. But today, I sit here – figuratively four months pregnant – nurturing my physical vessel – my human body – and nurturing my body of consciousness – which contains all aspects and facets of SELF – and wait patiently for whatever creation is on its way. If that’s not self-love, I don’t know what is.
One final note, since I began this 30 Days of Self Love journey, I have turned into even more of a crier than I already was. I find myself in buckets of tears at least twice a day if not more. It’s not sad tears but something entirely different. Anyone else crying tears of joy, relief, love, or whatever the hell this is? I would love to hear your comments on any of the above topics or anything addressed in the past week. Oh hell, just share anything you want. I’d love to hear from you.
Giant Texan Hug,
Lauren and the lot