Since I was a little girl, the words ‘I will pray for you’ have made me recoil. Way beyond eye rolling, I could feel my apprehension to the phrase in a deep, guttural way, permeating every cell in my body with a resounding NO. When I heard myself speak these words - the few times I actually did - to meet societal expectations, I immediately felt like a fraud, and the gut sickness would get even worse.
I couldn’t comprehend in my mind why these words I had heard spoken so many times in my Catholic upbringing would bring me such disgust. Later and much to my surprise this concept would also exist in the spiritual groups - those in which I initially found refuge during my overwhelming awakening process. Eventually, the prayer circles and email chains even from my most awake friends would make it unbearable to attend gatherings or participate other ways. It was not something I could rationalize in my head only something I felt at the soul level.
Only in the last year have I been able to verbalize why I have such an adverse reaction to prayer. First, those words imply something is wrong with what you are going through. Growing up in Texas, when I heard someone say, ‘I will pray for you,’ it really meant you’re fucked up and hopefully God will fix you. The words were rooted in judgment and sometimes pity. At its worst, ‘I will pray for you’ might be what a bigoted neighbor said about the openly gay man living down the street. At its best, ‘I will pray for you’ comes from what appears to be a genuine concern. Either way, the phrase is completely unaligned with honoring and respecting the sovereignty of the soul – both our own and those around us.
A situation that seemingly calls for prayer is likely an extremely painful experience for the human aspect of yourself or others. However, when we tap into the soul – that wise master within – we can feel it is a place of no duality, and the human constructs of right, wrong, good and bad cease to exist. The soul has two desires – to express (create) and to experience those expressions (creations). Sometimes those creations are no fun for the human self AND simultaneously, they are creating radical evolution for the soul. Existing in an expanded awareness, or consciousness, can certainly help us process these events.
For example, I experienced extreme drug addiction from about the age of 17 to 20. It was an awful human experience – one that nearly killed me. I’m sure there were many people praying for me at the time, but I was not one of them. I knew deep within myself that I had created this situation, and I would be the one to decide to pull myself out of it – no external god needed. By sinking into the pits of despair and the possession of spirit and body created by addiction, I experienced what it was like to pull myself out of it through deep soul connection. Through this life event, I witnessed first-hand the divinity I held within. It changed everything about how I viewed myself and the world around me. I wouldn’t trade a moment of the suffering for the insight gained into who I AM. When I look back now, that addiction feels only like a soul experience – not one I can label with a judgment like bad or wrong.
Additionally, when my dad lay dying in a hospital room unconscious, you think I could have mustered a small prayer but I could not. I simply whispered in his ear, ‘Dad, I support you in whatever decision you make. If it is time to go, I understand. If you want to stay here, I will support that too in any way I can.’
As much as it felt like an amputation of who I was at the time to lose him, my duty as his soul family and human daughter was only to hold space for him to decide – to honor his soul’s sovereignty or autonomy with complete and total respect – and to make sure the doctors and nursing staff honored his wishes. Through witnessing my father’s ability to decide his life on his terms, I was able to witness once again my own divinity as he witnessed his.
Eventually, my father made the decision to get well enough to walk right out of that hospital when no one said he would. Later, he would leave the physical body on his own terms – not anyone else’s. The week he died he played golf and sat in his favorite chair never to wake up. It was his choice and his alone. If God or the universe was ever involved, it was only as a witness.
When we pray for people’s outcomes, we dishonor the choices their souls have made in this life. When we pray for ourselves, it takes us out of our true creator nature and implies we are not in charge of our own lives. When we pray to God and say I am lost; I am stuck in life, we create lost, stuck energy. Instead we might say: soul, bring forth the answers that are already there. If you are listening and open, your soul will provide answers – often beyond the span of your imagination.
When we pray for world peace, we put out there that there is something wrong with the world and energy follows. We fail to see the consciously expanded view of what is going on around us. When we pray for peace, we are judging. We are in duality. Could we not simply state as one of my favorites Adamus St. Germain says – All is well in all of creation? Let us allow it to be so.
In our modern world, we are not only asked to pray in person but online too. How often are we asked to type ‘Amen’ to cure someone’s cancer? I promise you neither God nor Jesus is in heaven counting likes and amens on Facebook. They are honoring the human soul who is going through a soul experience.
If someone does ask for our assistance, instead of praying for him or her, we can ask for light to be shed on a possibility or answer they may not consciously see. By saying, I illuminate the possibility for XX to get well, we are still honoring his or her sovereignty and autonomy in choosing his or her own path. We are simply assisting in bringing possibilities that already exist into plain view.
Instead of praying for someone, we also can celebrate his or her soul’s journey. That homeless man on the street – let’s celebrate that his soul has chosen a path that will give him many soul experiences, teaching him a great deal. That woman suffering an illness – let’s celebrate that her soul is truly learning what it means to live. That politician screaming from the pulpit – let’s celebrate that while their human is trying to gain power, their soul is learning about the true powerlessness that exists on this planet.
Instead of praying for someone who is dying, why can’t we celebrate the life they have left and the amazing journey they are about to embark on upon leaving the physical body? Is there no greater gift we can give to our fellow humans and loved ones than to honor and respect their soul’s ability to chose in complete autonomy what it is they wish to express and experience?
That’s why I’m an advocate of compassion over prayer. Compassion is total acceptance and allowing of what is. It is not trying to change anything about another’s situation. Compassion includes absolute honor and respect for the soul-level choices of others. It is not saying: this person must get well, never suffer, must have money and a house to be happy, etcetera. It is saying my soul honors the journey of your soul in the deepest way possible. There is no sympathy or empathy involved.
God, spirit, the universe, or whatever term you wish to use is never going to sweep into your life or the lives of others and make everything better, especially when your requests are not in line with the sovereignty of the souls involved. Instead spirit is watching you, waiting patiently for you to figure out that you are the sole creator of your journey. As spirit witnesses you express from the soul and experience those creations, it too is reminded of its true creator nature. And if you can step back far enough to get the expanded view, you too might see the indescribable beauty of the mess we call human life.
Thanks, friends, for creating a safe space for me to share my journey and for sharing yours on my Facebook page.
This story is part two in a series. Please read this one before proceeding. Part one was an introduction to my awakening story, which happened to be a kundalini experience. There are many different ways and no right way to wake up to your inner divinity. Below is an account of my experience and lessons learned throughout the process. I am by no means done in my self-actualization process. My consciousness expands with each hour. It is a real joy AND a huge pain in the ass AND I wouldn't have it any other way. This is from my book to be released in 2017, Becoming Sar'h. This is completely unedited...
First, a kundalini experience or any other type of awakening is not spiritual enlightenment. It’s more like opening the first door down a long, dark hallway to self-actualization. Like me, you may feel after an awakening that you have all the answers, but save yourself the heartache. This is just the beginning and the answers to your questions will change, the truth molding as your consciousness expands. Also, an awakening does not have to be as jarring as my experience. There were many subtle signs and messages I chose to ignore in my teens and 20s. As I child I was very in tune to subtle energies. However, I discarded them in favor of fitting in and as a teen and young adult, subscribing to the American dream instead. The kundalini experience was my soul saying, ‘Okay, we tried subtle. Here’s something you can’t ignore.’ I highly recommend paying attention to that voice deep within, no matter the volume in which it speaks to you. Ignoring it will not make it go away. It will show up time and time again. You can chose to allow with ease or wait until it screams at you. Your soul will evolve regardless. It's inevitable.
After my kundalini awakening experiences, I felt periods of extreme bliss, lasting anywhere between two minutes and up to three days. I remember after the October yoga class experience, lying in my hammock for three days, saying, ‘This is it!’ I thought I had found the answer everyone had been searching for, only to come crashing back down. When you move from the extreme highs that occur after any kind of awakening, returning to so-called normal can be a bit depressing. If you share any of these symptoms with a medical doctor, be ready to be put immediately into therapy and placed on some anti-depressant aimed at knocking you back into a limited human state. These drugs will suppress any soul evolution you have going on. I think there are exceptions with these SSRIs. However, for the majority, allowing the highs and lows to occur from an observer perspective is a better, more efficient way to go. If you take the drugs, you’ll have to get off of them eventually and start the whole process over again – this time trying to detox from a chemical cocktail. No fun! In the end, consulting with your soul – your gut instinct – on medical advice is the best way to go.
After my experiences at the end of 2013, I was blessed with two new friends – a retired married couple that was able to tell me what happened without placing a lot of dogma on the experience. They gave me a few books to read and allowed me to process my experience without trying to write my story for me. They held the space for me to know I was not losing my mind; it only appeared that way in the context of the limits of the modern world around me. Their input helped confirm my gut instinct that I was not going totally mad. My desire to share my experience – what worked and what rabbit holes I fell down – comes from my desire to do the same for you, providing a safe space or container for others like us going through similar experiences. I want you to know you are not going crazy. What’s happening is a radical return to your true creator nature.
Second, a kundalini or other type of awakening opens the doors to all kinds of abilities that can seem both like a gift and curse at the same time. At the end of 2013, I began to become aware of past lives. With more than 2,000 human lives behind me, I cannot remember the details of them all. However, I do remember significant ones for the lessons I need to remember in this life. It has been extremely helpful to remember how I chose to live in this one, but remembering past lives can also create confusion and frustration. For me, this was extremely true in the area of romantic relationships. I can meet someone and know their soul so intimately from past encounters both in past lives and in between lives. However, the human aspect of the soul has changed from those lives in which we interacted. And, if the human aspect is not in tune with the soul, that person cannot comprehend on a conscious level what is actually taking place. This creates a situation in which someone’s soul is telling me one thing and their human aspect is telling me another. Sounds like a dating nightmare, right? With friends and professional acquaintances, I do well with this. In matters of the heart, I am still learning to work in this expanded level of awareness, discerning between what my souls calls for and my heart yearns for.
Additionally, when you learn about your past lives, especially if you have been incarnating on the planet since the beginning of man, you have likely done some pretty horrific things to others. If you happen to become aware of this, to process it, you must find a radical state of forgiveness. You must allow the forgiveness of everything you have ever done to flood into every cell of your being and the space between the cells without trying to analyze anything. The brain is worthless in this process. You must remember that you came to Earth to experience all of it – the magnificent, the good, the bad and the horrific. It was part of your soul’s journey and experience here. It’s easy to get caught up trying to right the wrong and is a huge distraction from the self-actualization or enlightenment process. If you do not remember your past lives, I would say it’s not essential to the process, and in some cases, a blessing. The mind does not need to know details to allow the radical forgiveness to take place.
The awakening experience, for me, also opened the doors to be able to see, feel and communicate with beings not in physical bodies. If this happens for you, please know some of these beings have a wealth of information for you. Others want to feed off your energy and will shape shift to trick you. Others are relatives from the past who have great intentions but are blinded by where they sit in the near Earth realms – just to name a few situations!
The key to entertaining or brushing off these beings is discernment. The best way to use discernment is with deep, clear and open communication with your soul. You can find a simple exercise here to consciously begin a soul conversation if you have not done so already. For example: Soul, is this someone I should trust or entertain a conversation with or is it someone I should bypass? What are their intentions? The soul – the wise master that lives within – should be involved in each and every interaction, leading in the discernment process. It will save you so much time, energy and possibly grief.
DISCERNMENT: (N) The ability to see and understand people, things or situations clearly and with an expanded level of consciousness and in alignment with the soul.
(V) An act of perceiving something, someone or a situation through the lens of expanded consciousness and in alignment with the soul.
The greatest gift in this increased awareness was my ability to communicate with what are called ascended masters. An ascended master is souled being who has completed their cycle of human lifetimes on Earth, accepted their sovereignty and integrated every human expression of their soul with love and acceptance. They have completed the self-actualization process, also called enlightenment or ascension. Ascended masters include the famous Jeshua (Jesus), Mary Magdalene, Buddha and Kwan Yin (AKA the female Buddha) as well as about 10,000 other souls.
Ascended Master El Moyra was the first to begin to communicate with me and teach me various concepts. He was with me as a child, appearing an Indian man (his last incarnation on Earth), yet I did not know he was a master because he never introduced himself this way. After my awakening experience, he returned to be a friend, teacher and guide once again. I would sit in my empty home for hours seemingly talking to the wall yet really interacting with an old friend. Other masters would visit over the years, while I was awake and asleep. A great deal of what I teach and how I counsel is derived from my interaction with these enlightened souls. The rest is taught directly from my own soul. Anyone can work with ascended masters if they are open to it. I would add that discernment also applies to any interaction, even ones with ascended masters. You know at the soul level your own truth.
As mentioned before, the catch with opening this door is that it also opens for all sorts of non-physical beings – at first. When I first awakened, I often experienced dead people approaching me to see if I would give their living relative a message. Even though I have the capabilities to be a medium – someone who can speak with human souls in the near Earth realms – in this life I have chosen not to perform this service for people and prefer to help them with their natural soul evolution. Mediumship feels very new age to me and not in line with the new energy. Furthermore, just because someone is dead does not mean they have solutions to your life problems. Your soul does.
Also, when the door opened, it cleared the path for spooks, tricksters and other lower frequency beings. It was quite an adjustment for me to figure out how to deal with these situations. After developing a process and personal clearing, I’m pleased to say no low frequency beings have the ability to come into my energy field or physical space. If you need help with this, please do not hesitate to reach out. Practice discernment again and again and again.
Through this awakening process, I also became extremely psychic at first. This is a sometimes dangerous and always a distracting road to go down. What true psychics see are simply future possibilities and probabilities. The future is not written in stone, and every human soul has the ability to choose their experience and their path in every single moment. They may be more inclined to one choice, but the energies surrounding people and events are constantly in motion. The energy may be flowing one direction, and then it could shift suddenly. It’s best to simply observe these future possibilities and probabilities, taking them into consideration for what they are.
For fuck's sake, please don’t give anyone a psychic reading, especially if they are processing through the mind or sometimes worse, the heart, instead of the soul. It can really throw a person off and separate them from the divinity only found in the present moment and in alignment with the soul. It feels to me like such a low frequency activity, and let’s face it - it’s a practice as old and tired as the New Age.
As you move through the self-actualization process, those psychic abilities will likely begin to fade into the background as you journey within. Those psychic abilities will fade because all the possibilities become open when you are in your true creator nature. In my opinion, it is best to simply ride the waves and observe the future potentials in front of you, while consciously creating your own. This is what I mean by letting go of the concepts of fate and destiny from the hands of another creator (god or the universe). You are the sole/ soul creator!
Furthermore, with the awakening of life force energy within the body, my romantic relationships completely changed. Existing in my own sovereignty, I am not looking for someone to complete me but rather to share the embodied master experience with - someone also in communion with their inner divinity. I sometimes long to share with someone also in a sovereign state, in which there is no energy feeding on either end. Commitments like marriage also began to seem very old to me, although I respect those who have chosen marriage in this chapter of their soul journey, as it can be a magical human experience.
Additionally, normal human sexual interaction over time became completely unappealing. After my awakening and coming into alignment with my soul, my body began to crave a different physical experience - one that moves mountains and creates universes. Those not in tune with their soul usually do not have access to the type of vulnerability it requires to have a physically soul-baring interaction. This can create quite a bit of confusion at first and quite a bit of frustration later on. There will certainly be more on this in future writings as I could fill pages...
Another symptom of my awakening experience is that I became physically ill, and no doctor, healer or thousands of dollars spent on supplements could help. Check with your soul first, but I would advise not to waste your time or energy on any of these things. I will add the disclaimer that it is always good to consult with a doctor and undergo preventative screening. However, discernment, as with any situation, should be used when accepting their advice or prescriptions.
For the first year after the awakening, I could not even smell an animal product without feeling very ill. Every single food I ate, no matter how fresh, vegan or organic, made me sicker. My weight would go up and down dramatically not based on food or exercise. Now that I have learned to communicate with my soul and my body, it has become a manageable process. I enjoy many healthy days, although sometimes the sickness comes back in small, short waves. For me, communicating with the soul and body directly is the only way to quell the symptoms. This is also a service I offer in my private practice, guiding people through this internal communication process for self healing.
Post awakening, I also required much more sleep and an increased amount of alone time. If you can allow the 10- to 16-hour sleep, or whatever feels natural, it is a huge help for this process. There will be periods of great energy followed by extreme lethargy. Allowing whatever feels natural - if at all possible - will help relieve any symptoms that come with the awakening/ self-actualization/ ascension/ enlightenment process. Again, taking the time and space to be alone and in communion with self is a highly important.
In this life, I have been an extremely empathic person with memories as early as two years old feeling others thoughts and emotions. After the kundalini awakening, it increased even more. With greater frequency and depth, I could hear people’s thoughts, feel all their feelings, experience a natural disaster clear across the planet in my body and feel the collective consciousness surrounding worldly and astronomical events. It was debilitating and downright awful at times.
When I began to go within and communicate with the soul, I could still see, feel and hear all of these things, yet I could remove the attachment, choosing not to participate in it. Rather, I allow it to flow through me rather than resisting it. I’m more than relieved to say my empathy has turned into compassion for the human souls and world events around me. The thoughts and feelings of others and situations feel like background noise or radio static. Instead of empathy, I simply honor people at the soul level and hold compassion for the situation they have chosen to experience in this life. I see and feel worldly events from an expanded perspective and context. It is not always a cake walk, but it is a vast improvement from the first year of my awakening.
The most important lesson I learned from moving through my awakening experience into expanded consciousness was to end the external search and take up the internal relationship with the soul. Self-actualization/ enlightenment/ ascension/ whatever you want to call it is at its core an internal process. It does not rely on god or the universe to occur. Neither a so-called god nor the universe care what choices you make or what’s going on in your human life. See the post on sovereignty for more information. Instead, spirit is patiently waiting for you to remember your divinity is held within.
This self-actualization process is a conscious realization and complete understanding of the divinity that exists within your soul. You are the god you’ve been searching for all along. The universe lives inside your soul. If you want to talk to god or the universe, instead, go within. First, consider talking to your soul – the wise master that lives within you. Simple directions found here. Second, every time you want to say the word god or the universe, try replacing it with the word soul – your soul.
Thank you universe (SOUL) for creating this magnificent situation.
God (SOUL), please bring abundance into my life.
The universe (YOUR SOUL) is conspiring in your favor.
God (SOUL), why is this happening to me?
Please let me know how the exercises are going for you, either in the comments section below or in an email. Please note this post could not possibly contain all of the information I would like to distill. However, human souls are so very busy these days. If departing on the soul evolution train is calling to you from a deep space within, please consider trying the above practices. If you need assistance, please do not hesitate to reach out, friends.
I’ve been working on a more in-depth article on soul-level relationships, but it’s not quite done. In the mean time, here’s my top five list for the worst new age bullying offensenses out there. How do I know? Because I’m totally guilty of spiritual bullying. If you ever had to listen to me spout off the below bullshit, I apologize deeply, yet I’m not the only one.
From my personal experience, when we go through a spiritual awakening of sorts, we get so excited with our newly expanded perspective, our human self wants to share it with everyone around us. We want to yell, ‘You are blind, why can’t you see the truth?’ to everyone we know and meet on the street.
We say it’s because we want to help people. Yet, if we dig into what we believe is our passionate desire to enlighten others, we can see that it really comes from anger or disapproval of self – the former self that subscribed to the bullshit we’ve just discarded.
The funny thing is as we grow and evolve, that pile of our discarded bullshit multiplies. We become so sick of our own crap that we stop spouting it because we know at this level of growth, we’ll have changed our minds and hearts about it again and again. We know if we are lucky enough to keep evolving, our discarded bullshit pile could fill lakes and bury mountain, usually removing the massive temptation to push our wisdom upon someone else AKA bullying.
Furthermore, belief is all that is required to make something true for us. For example, I have an extremely lovely friend who believes hard work is the answer to creating her dream life, and it seems to work for her. I subscribe to a different system allowing everything I need and desire to come to me (I’m also lazy AF), and it’s currently working for me. So here are my top five new age bullying techniques, and a heartfelt apology for those who ever had to listen to my crap.
1. LAW OF ATTRACTION BULLYING:
“Once you understand the power of positive thinking, you’ll never have a negative thought again…“
…until your dad, step-brother and mother-in-law die, you quit your career and get a divorce all within a two-year time period, then you will have some negative thoughts AND those negative thoughts will not have caused your situation. Instead, the situation becomes a powerful learning experience, which further deepens your personal soul connection but still fucking sucks on a human level.
2. ASTROLOGICAL BULLYING:
During Mercury retrograde do not travel, sign a contract, start a job, buy electronics, start dating anyone, find a roommate, buy a car or anything really. Why not just stop living all together because if you do something during Mercury retrograde, you will be punished?!
SHUT UP! LIVE YOUR LIFE! The only laws that apply to us are the ones we believe in. If you do believe it, great, but there’s no need to spread the panic anymore. I seriously used to operate my business under these laws – my poor, poor business partner.
3. FOOD BULLYING:
This one was the worst for me. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry to every meat-eating friend on my Facebook feed that I harassed you with pictures of dead animals and milking cows for the year I was vegan. I had terrible health issues, and veganism was a way of having some sort of control over them. I have certain standards for food consumption for myself that change depending on my body’s needs, yet your diet is none of my business. I’m terribly sorry I bullied you for your choice in food consumption. It was totally ridiculous.
4. CLICK-HERE-TO-SAVE-THIS-PERSON ONLINE BULLYING:
This is not one I’m guilty of but let me just say that there is no one up above monitoring amens, likes, shares or anything on Facebook for that matter. Instead, let’s just honor those around us for wherever they are on their soul journey. Spreading their pictures around Facebook telling people if the don’t click like, type Amen or share, that they are a bad person/ not religious or spiritual enough is cyber bullying. If you want to participate, that's fine but don't try to bully the rest of us into playing your strange game. Really, it just feels like a total lack of respect for that person’s sovereignty and their personal journey.
5. YOU-CAUSED-YOUR-OWN-SITUATION BULLYING:
This is a tough one as I do believe we create our own reality. However, I do not think people who get sick, are diagnosed with cancer, can’t find a partner or don’t have enough money are in that situation because of the following: your chakras aren’t aligned, you’re paying a karmic debt, your frequency was low/ you had a negative thought or emotion and attracted this poor situation and/or any other craptastic story someone tried to attach to your autonomous soul’s journey. Or worse, anyone advertising to magically fix it for hundreds of dollars. Shit happens. You get to decide how to respond, and you and your soul get to write the rest of the your story.
Now I could sit here and feel terrible about the person I once was when I contributed to this new age/ spiritual bullying, or I could honor that past self. I could find compassion for the young woman who was grieving the loss of the most important person in her life and who was making a huge decision to leave a career and a marriage that no longer felt authentic. I could remember how scared and lonely she was, and I can honor her for making me the kinder, more compassionate, infinitely more fulfilled and stable person that I am today.
That’s why I love the ancient greeting/ blessing Oh-Bee-Ohn, often used by my Crimson Circle friends, which means I honor you for the journey, no matter where you are. I’d add that it should not just be a greeting or blessing for those we meet along the way but also for our past selves, each and every one of them. I honor the person I was in the past for all her offenses, for I would not be where I am today without that fearful, angry, grieving young woman.
Oh-Bee-Oh, friends! I love and honor you for the ever-evolving human soul you are in this wild ride called life.