This story is part two in a series. Please read this one before proceeding. Part one was an introduction to my awakening story, which happened to be a kundalini experience. There are many different ways and no right way to wake up to your inner divinity. Below is an account of my experience and lessons learned throughout the process. I am by no means done in my self-actualization process. My consciousness expands with each hour. It is a real joy AND a huge pain in the ass AND I wouldn't have it any other way. This is from my book to be released in 2017, Becoming Sar'h. This is completely unedited...
First, a kundalini experience or any other type of awakening is not spiritual enlightenment. It’s more like opening the first door down a long, dark hallway to self-actualization. Like me, you may feel after an awakening that you have all the answers, but save yourself the heartache. This is just the beginning and the answers to your questions will change, the truth molding as your consciousness expands. Also, an awakening does not have to be as jarring as my experience. There were many subtle signs and messages I chose to ignore in my teens and 20s. As I child I was very in tune to subtle energies. However, I discarded them in favor of fitting in and as a teen and young adult, subscribing to the American dream instead. The kundalini experience was my soul saying, ‘Okay, we tried subtle. Here’s something you can’t ignore.’ I highly recommend paying attention to that voice deep within, no matter the volume in which it speaks to you. Ignoring it will not make it go away. It will show up time and time again. You can chose to allow with ease or wait until it screams at you. Your soul will evolve regardless. It's inevitable.
After my kundalini awakening experiences, I felt periods of extreme bliss, lasting anywhere between two minutes and up to three days. I remember after the October yoga class experience, lying in my hammock for three days, saying, ‘This is it!’ I thought I had found the answer everyone had been searching for, only to come crashing back down. When you move from the extreme highs that occur after any kind of awakening, returning to so-called normal can be a bit depressing. If you share any of these symptoms with a medical doctor, be ready to be put immediately into therapy and placed on some anti-depressant aimed at knocking you back into a limited human state. These drugs will suppress any soul evolution you have going on. I think there are exceptions with these SSRIs. However, for the majority, allowing the highs and lows to occur from an observer perspective is a better, more efficient way to go. If you take the drugs, you’ll have to get off of them eventually and start the whole process over again – this time trying to detox from a chemical cocktail. No fun! In the end, consulting with your soul – your gut instinct – on medical advice is the best way to go.
After my experiences at the end of 2013, I was blessed with two new friends – a retired married couple that was able to tell me what happened without placing a lot of dogma on the experience. They gave me a few books to read and allowed me to process my experience without trying to write my story for me. They held the space for me to know I was not losing my mind; it only appeared that way in the context of the limits of the modern world around me. Their input helped confirm my gut instinct that I was not going totally mad. My desire to share my experience – what worked and what rabbit holes I fell down – comes from my desire to do the same for you, providing a safe space or container for others like us going through similar experiences. I want you to know you are not going crazy. What’s happening is a radical return to your true creator nature.
Second, a kundalini or other type of awakening opens the doors to all kinds of abilities that can seem both like a gift and curse at the same time. At the end of 2013, I began to become aware of past lives. With more than 2,000 human lives behind me, I cannot remember the details of them all. However, I do remember significant ones for the lessons I need to remember in this life. It has been extremely helpful to remember how I chose to live in this one, but remembering past lives can also create confusion and frustration. For me, this was extremely true in the area of romantic relationships. I can meet someone and know their soul so intimately from past encounters both in past lives and in between lives. However, the human aspect of the soul has changed from those lives in which we interacted. And, if the human aspect is not in tune with the soul, that person cannot comprehend on a conscious level what is actually taking place. This creates a situation in which someone’s soul is telling me one thing and their human aspect is telling me another. Sounds like a dating nightmare, right? With friends and professional acquaintances, I do well with this. In matters of the heart, I am still learning to work in this expanded level of awareness, discerning between what my souls calls for and my heart yearns for.
Additionally, when you learn about your past lives, especially if you have been incarnating on the planet since the beginning of man, you have likely done some pretty horrific things to others. If you happen to become aware of this, to process it, you must find a radical state of forgiveness. You must allow the forgiveness of everything you have ever done to flood into every cell of your being and the space between the cells without trying to analyze anything. The brain is worthless in this process. You must remember that you came to Earth to experience all of it – the magnificent, the good, the bad and the horrific. It was part of your soul’s journey and experience here. It’s easy to get caught up trying to right the wrong and is a huge distraction from the self-actualization or enlightenment process. If you do not remember your past lives, I would say it’s not essential to the process, and in some cases, a blessing. The mind does not need to know details to allow the radical forgiveness to take place.
The awakening experience, for me, also opened the doors to be able to see, feel and communicate with beings not in physical bodies. If this happens for you, please know some of these beings have a wealth of information for you. Others want to feed off your energy and will shape shift to trick you. Others are relatives from the past who have great intentions but are blinded by where they sit in the near Earth realms – just to name a few situations!
The key to entertaining or brushing off these beings is discernment. The best way to use discernment is with deep, clear and open communication with your soul. You can find a simple exercise here to consciously begin a soul conversation if you have not done so already. For example: Soul, is this someone I should trust or entertain a conversation with or is it someone I should bypass? What are their intentions? The soul – the wise master that lives within – should be involved in each and every interaction, leading in the discernment process. It will save you so much time, energy and possibly grief.
DISCERNMENT: (N) The ability to see and understand people, things or situations clearly and with an expanded level of consciousness and in alignment with the soul.
(V) An act of perceiving something, someone or a situation through the lens of expanded consciousness and in alignment with the soul.
The greatest gift in this increased awareness was my ability to communicate with what are called ascended masters. An ascended master is souled being who has completed their cycle of human lifetimes on Earth, accepted their sovereignty and integrated every human expression of their soul with love and acceptance. They have completed the self-actualization process, also called enlightenment or ascension. Ascended masters include the famous Jeshua (Jesus), Mary Magdalene, Buddha and Kwan Yin (AKA the female Buddha) as well as about 10,000 other souls.
Ascended Master El Moyra was the first to begin to communicate with me and teach me various concepts. He was with me as a child, appearing an Indian man (his last incarnation on Earth), yet I did not know he was a master because he never introduced himself this way. After my awakening experience, he returned to be a friend, teacher and guide once again. I would sit in my empty home for hours seemingly talking to the wall yet really interacting with an old friend. Other masters would visit over the years, while I was awake and asleep. A great deal of what I teach and how I counsel is derived from my interaction with these enlightened souls. The rest is taught directly from my own soul. Anyone can work with ascended masters if they are open to it. I would add that discernment also applies to any interaction, even ones with ascended masters. You know at the soul level your own truth.
As mentioned before, the catch with opening this door is that it also opens for all sorts of non-physical beings – at first. When I first awakened, I often experienced dead people approaching me to see if I would give their living relative a message. Even though I have the capabilities to be a medium – someone who can speak with human souls in the near Earth realms – in this life I have chosen not to perform this service for people and prefer to help them with their natural soul evolution. Mediumship feels very new age to me and not in line with the new energy. Furthermore, just because someone is dead does not mean they have solutions to your life problems. Your soul does.
Also, when the door opened, it cleared the path for spooks, tricksters and other lower frequency beings. It was quite an adjustment for me to figure out how to deal with these situations. After developing a process and personal clearing, I’m pleased to say no low frequency beings have the ability to come into my energy field or physical space. If you need help with this, please do not hesitate to reach out. Practice discernment again and again and again.
Through this awakening process, I also became extremely psychic at first. This is a sometimes dangerous and always a distracting road to go down. What true psychics see are simply future possibilities and probabilities. The future is not written in stone, and every human soul has the ability to choose their experience and their path in every single moment. They may be more inclined to one choice, but the energies surrounding people and events are constantly in motion. The energy may be flowing one direction, and then it could shift suddenly. It’s best to simply observe these future possibilities and probabilities, taking them into consideration for what they are.
For fuck's sake, please don’t give anyone a psychic reading, especially if they are processing through the mind or sometimes worse, the heart, instead of the soul. It can really throw a person off and separate them from the divinity only found in the present moment and in alignment with the soul. It feels to me like such a low frequency activity, and let’s face it - it’s a practice as old and tired as the New Age.
As you move through the self-actualization process, those psychic abilities will likely begin to fade into the background as you journey within. Those psychic abilities will fade because all the possibilities become open when you are in your true creator nature. In my opinion, it is best to simply ride the waves and observe the future potentials in front of you, while consciously creating your own. This is what I mean by letting go of the concepts of fate and destiny from the hands of another creator (god or the universe). You are the sole/ soul creator!
Furthermore, with the awakening of life force energy within the body, my romantic relationships completely changed. Existing in my own sovereignty, I am not looking for someone to complete me but rather to share the embodied master experience with - someone also in communion with their inner divinity. I sometimes long to share with someone also in a sovereign state, in which there is no energy feeding on either end. Commitments like marriage also began to seem very old to me, although I respect those who have chosen marriage in this chapter of their soul journey, as it can be a magical human experience.
Additionally, normal human sexual interaction over time became completely unappealing. After my awakening and coming into alignment with my soul, my body began to crave a different physical experience - one that moves mountains and creates universes. Those not in tune with their soul usually do not have access to the type of vulnerability it requires to have a physically soul-baring interaction. This can create quite a bit of confusion at first and quite a bit of frustration later on. There will certainly be more on this in future writings as I could fill pages...
Another symptom of my awakening experience is that I became physically ill, and no doctor, healer or thousands of dollars spent on supplements could help. Check with your soul first, but I would advise not to waste your time or energy on any of these things. I will add the disclaimer that it is always good to consult with a doctor and undergo preventative screening. However, discernment, as with any situation, should be used when accepting their advice or prescriptions.
For the first year after the awakening, I could not even smell an animal product without feeling very ill. Every single food I ate, no matter how fresh, vegan or organic, made me sicker. My weight would go up and down dramatically not based on food or exercise. Now that I have learned to communicate with my soul and my body, it has become a manageable process. I enjoy many healthy days, although sometimes the sickness comes back in small, short waves. For me, communicating with the soul and body directly is the only way to quell the symptoms. This is also a service I offer in my private practice, guiding people through this internal communication process for self healing.
Post awakening, I also required much more sleep and an increased amount of alone time. If you can allow the 10- to 16-hour sleep, or whatever feels natural, it is a huge help for this process. There will be periods of great energy followed by extreme lethargy. Allowing whatever feels natural - if at all possible - will help relieve any symptoms that come with the awakening/ self-actualization/ ascension/ enlightenment process. Again, taking the time and space to be alone and in communion with self is a highly important.
In this life, I have been an extremely empathic person with memories as early as two years old feeling others thoughts and emotions. After the kundalini awakening, it increased even more. With greater frequency and depth, I could hear people’s thoughts, feel all their feelings, experience a natural disaster clear across the planet in my body and feel the collective consciousness surrounding worldly and astronomical events. It was debilitating and downright awful at times.
When I began to go within and communicate with the soul, I could still see, feel and hear all of these things, yet I could remove the attachment, choosing not to participate in it. Rather, I allow it to flow through me rather than resisting it. I’m more than relieved to say my empathy has turned into compassion for the human souls and world events around me. The thoughts and feelings of others and situations feel like background noise or radio static. Instead of empathy, I simply honor people at the soul level and hold compassion for the situation they have chosen to experience in this life. I see and feel worldly events from an expanded perspective and context. It is not always a cake walk, but it is a vast improvement from the first year of my awakening.
The most important lesson I learned from moving through my awakening experience into expanded consciousness was to end the external search and take up the internal relationship with the soul. Self-actualization/ enlightenment/ ascension/ whatever you want to call it is at its core an internal process. It does not rely on god or the universe to occur. Neither a so-called god nor the universe care what choices you make or what’s going on in your human life. See the post on sovereignty for more information. Instead, spirit is patiently waiting for you to remember your divinity is held within.
This self-actualization process is a conscious realization and complete understanding of the divinity that exists within your soul. You are the god you’ve been searching for all along. The universe lives inside your soul. If you want to talk to god or the universe, instead, go within. First, consider talking to your soul – the wise master that lives within you. Simple directions found here. Second, every time you want to say the word god or the universe, try replacing it with the word soul – your soul.
Thank you universe (SOUL) for creating this magnificent situation.
God (SOUL), please bring abundance into my life.
The universe (YOUR SOUL) is conspiring in your favor.
God (SOUL), why is this happening to me?
Please let me know how the exercises are going for you, either in the comments section below or in an email. Please note this post could not possibly contain all of the information I would like to distill. However, human souls are so very busy these days. If departing on the soul evolution train is calling to you from a deep space within, please consider trying the above practices. If you need assistance, please do not hesitate to reach out, friends.
Kundalini is a Sanskrit word meaning coiled one and is often represented as a sleeping serpent that lies at the base of the spine, waiting to be awakened. In yogic theories, when kundalini, or primal, earth-force energy, awakens it moves up central channels along the spine to the crown of the head through energy centers called chakras. A kundalini awakening is often considered part of the spiritual enlightenment, or self-actualization, process.
While this is a gross oversimplification of kundalini in the context of yogic theory, I must state that while I have adopted the term - for complete lack of a better one - to describe my effortless and unplanned experience, my views vary widely from the yogic community, some of whom ‘try’ to activate this energy when to me it is about ‘allowing’ it to awaken. I do not claim to be a scholar. I only feel called to share my personal experience and what I learned from it. The below story is an unedited excerpt from my book in progress, Becoming Sar'h.
My consciousness began to expand inexplicably and un-coaxed about the time everything began to fall apart in my human life. I remember my 30-year-old self sitting in a cold, sterile hospital room in August 2011 watching over my dad who was in a coma, hanging onto life by a very thin thread, when the life force energy some call kundalini began to stir in the base of my spine and fill my sex organs with a pulsing electric energy. It felt as if someone had hooked an electric cord into my womb and the base of my spine and turned up the voltage to high. What a strange scene to think about now, sitting in the most unsacred of places holding the swollen, freezing cold hand of a near dead man, hooked up to every machine possible, who meant the world to me.
At the time I had no idea what it meant or what the feeling was, and I was too exhausted from trying to take care of my father, be a good employee as a lobbyist for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and to fulfill my wifely duties to figure out what was happening to me. I considered briefly that this is what grief might feel like as I watched my father’s physical body decline with no ability to communicate, my marriage crack into a thousand tiny chards and began to realize that my role raising government funds for cancer research was a worthless endeavor – watching modern healthcare in action will do that, but it’s another story.
The intense electric pulse would come and go over the coming months and years as everything fell apart. My father eventually crossed over in May 2012, while my mother was having a double mastectomy to remove her breast cancer. Four months later, in September 2012, I left the Lance Armstrong Foundation without warning and finally walked out of my marriage in June 2013. In retrospect, it’s easy to see the then unknown force was driving my decisions, which seemed entirely insane and reckless to the outside world. My human aspect was almost completely unaware what was going on. I only knew what I could not do. The longer I stayed in situations not in alignment with my soul, the sicker I got. In the end, it was only a choice to save my life as I was dying in my current situation.
As I began to clean up the rubble of my wrecked life, the serpent began to impose itself physically in my life. On a walk with my dog in October 2012, I came across an extremely thick, solid black snake coiled tightly on the sidewalk. I had lived along Shoal Creek in Central Austin for six years and never seen anything like it. I would have shrugged it off as a coincidence, but snakes kept appearing in record numbers.
A week later a snake slithered through my fingers while gardening. The next day a snake fell out of a tree and wrapped itself around my then husband’s arm. A sliver snake would cross my path on trails and then a water moccasin would swim across the surface of the water where my dog swam - all within the same week. By April 2013, my then husband was so used to my snake attraction, he did not even bat an eyelash when a six-foot rat snake came into my mother’s house through a dog door on Easter Sunday.
The following month – May 2013 – one year after my father’s death, my husband and I headed to Big Bend National Park with friends. Once again, a long black and white striped snake crossed our path. The last night of the trip I had a dream experience that would change everything. Over the last eight months - or the year of the snake as I like to call it - I had been dreaming of snakes nearly every night and seeing them while awake.
That final night in my West Texas dreams, I found myself in some sort of shamanic Native American ceremony. The drums rhythmically pounded while the natives danced and sang. In the middle of their circle, a mythic, almost cartoon-like cobra began to uncoil. At the height of the drumming, the cobra reached its full height, and its hood reached full width. It stared directly into my eyes, stuck out its split tongue and hissed with an indescribable intensity. I woke up in a panic and a sweat. I knew undoubtedly it was time to leave the marriage. As much as my human did not want to, I knew the natural and undeniable soul evolution I was experiencing could not take place within its walls, and that's a wound I'm not quite ready to write about.
By late summer/ early fall 2013, I was finally living on my own and finalizing the divorce. I had given myself the space needed for my soul evolution by freeing up the energies I had needed to work in an unfulfilling job and exist in an unfulfilling marriage. My human self continued to be pretty much blind as to what was occurring, yet everything was about to change.
On October 11, 2013, I attended my regular Friday night yoga class as I often did before going out drinking with my friends. At the end of class, I sat in a silent meditation when I began to feel my spine move involuntarily, slithering and spinning clockwise. The electric current was no longer active just in the base of the spine and the uterus but was slowly, yet with increasing intensity creeping up my spine. Once it reached the base of the neck, I began to experience a high like no other – and I’ve done a lot of drugs in my life – yet completely sober, aware and observing.
With my eyes closed, I saw every color in the rainbow and colors I didn’t even have a name for. Time and space no longer existed. My human aspect was aware enough to be thankful to be sitting in a dark room where people could not see my jarring movements. Even though my eyes were closed, I felt as is they were open, and I was seeing the world for the first time. I felt my third eye (or pineal glad) open to a 360-degree view, expanding like the hood of the cobra that had visited me in the West Texas dream.
I observed the experience both from inside of my body and as a fly on the wall outside of it. The yoga instructor began talking again (something about controlling the fluctuations of the mind, which made me want to laugh out loud) and just like that the experience was over. My body, led by my spine, spiraled counterclockwise as the electric current swirled back down into the base of the spine, exactly like that tightly coiled black snake that had first appeared to me one year before.
One month later, I would find myself in a beautiful retreat center in the Sacred Valley of Peru where I was completing an advanced yoga teacher training. On a break, I was sitting in a lush green garden meditating when I heard some fellow students playing music – various drum and tambourine beats were accompanied by guttural sounds of the women dancing and chanting wildly in a circle. I stood up from my meditation and went to sit in the middle of the dancing circle. The electric current begin to rise up the spine as my body moved rapidly in a clockwise motion. This time after my ‘hood’ expanded and I came into my third eye vision, the energy shot up through the crown of my head for the first time.
With it, my consciousness followed, and I began to see out of the eyes of the snake and feel an incontrollable urge to let the spine create a wave-like motion, mimicking the slither of a moving snake. Next thing I was aware of I was embodied in the snakes slithering body and writhing through the grass outside the room where the music was taking place. Again, time and space were suspended as I traveled through the lush gardens in my snake body. It was, in fact, as concrete as I describe and the only thing I have to compare it to is a DMT experience, which I will add is completely subpar to a kundalini experience.
After what seemed like hours but was really probably about five to ten minutes, I came back to my into my slithering body and felt the electric current curl back down into the base of the spine. I wouldn’t learn until a few months later that the experience was what is called a kundalini awakening – I had never even heard the term before. My kundalini awakening experience would change my life in amazing ways, provide incredible gifts and make me entirely ill all at the same. For that experience, you’ll have to wait for part two of the kundalini awakening story, which will be published next week.
Today, two and a half years into my kundalini awakening, I now work with clients going through similar experiences. If you feel you need a safe place to process your kundalini OR other type of awakening experience and/or assistance dealing with the after effects, please do not hesitate to reach out.