These are some notes I made on my drive from California to Colorado last week. As always, please consider commenting with your own, unique experiences. I love to hear from you all, friends.
It’s so often that I hear, “Lauren, you’re so courageous.” I am, and there is always more to that story. Or, “I want to write a book, too.” These are words I love to hear. I’m a huge fan of other people making big waves in their lives and watching the ripples in the water inspire others. I’m a huge fan of other’s creations. I love hearing people’s stories, reading their words, and pondering the art they create. I love interacting with readers to find out what they experience and know to be true for themselves, not anyone else.
It is the core of who I am, in the deepest parts of my soul, to desire to support people in moving beyond the human “should” and “supposed to” of life and moving into the passion of creation, whatever that looks like for them. In fact, I have never understood the energy of competition or laughing when someone fails or being jealous when someone I know experiences success. Those thoughts and feelings never occurred to me. When someone does well, it makes my soul sing. Period. The end. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.
That’s why it was quite interesting to see people’s reactions after I published my first book and it sold and it garnered good reviews. Many of my friends were silent. If I talked about my book, they quickly changed the subject. One woman who was in a writing group with me back in Austin, Texas, never acknowledged the book’s existence – even after she watched me pour everything I had into it as I beat my head against a desk daily. I helped edit two of her books and was a huge supporter of her writing.
“What did I do?” I thought.
It took me days to realize it was that human nudge for competition. Was I mad? No. It certainly wasn’t about me. I would still behave the same if she were to publish a book. I would send her flowers, a note of congratulations, go out of my way to acknowledge the giant task it is to create BIG. Humans will do human things. It was not something to take personally. It was her own stuff.
As I have been pondering what it takes for the human to create – to bring his or her passion into physical reality - there is a inherently human caveat of creation I want to discuss – one I have been sensing into for a few days.
“So you want to create BIG?”
The words rolled across the movie screen of my third eye space.
“But do you know what it takes?”
It is so often that people speak of creating BIG, without actually knowing how to do it, or, even more so, not being willing to give up the comforts of human life to make it happen.
I’ll use my love of travel as a physical example. Many people, not on my Patreon page, love the road trip pictures and tiny stories I share on Facebook. I’m not sure they understood what I was doing fully, and they likely filed it in the vacation category of their human minds. Anyone who was along for the 30-days of self-love experience knows it was far from a vacation. It was a massive undertaking to go into the crux of what it really means to truly love and know yourself. It was not easy, and I moved internal mountains on my journey.
Lots of those people say with a heavy sigh, “Oh, I wish I could go on a road trip. I wish I had the time. I wish I had the money.” It’s as if they are trying to guilt me. It would be an energy feeding activity if I were susceptible to such things.
Two years ago I might have explained how I saved up for such things, making sacrifices in my daily life like not having nice things or patio furniture in my living room, or make excuses for myself. God knows, I could rarely explain to someone one of my past life incarnations left this incarnation, me, Lauren, a small monthly check that when budgeted correctly, could take me far.
That would put me in the crazy category too quick. I’ve taken to smiling and nodding, instead. The need to explain anything not in this type of forum is a human desire I dropped off in the ditch next to the highway somewhere near Seal Rock, Oregon, last month.
On the trip, I took to listening to Audible books. One was John Steinbeck’s “Travels with Charley.” In the book, he details his road trip in search of America with his poodle, Charley. He leaves nothing out of the book, in other words he doesn’t leave out the grit. Something I found fascinating was his pondering of the shear physical power and focus it takes to drive a car cross-country.
It’s almost as if you have to train your body to handle such a task – the pressure on the gas and brake, the constant state of awareness of road hazards, animal and man, the creep following you down the highway touching his tiny penis trying to embarrass you, but I digress.
On this last trip I endured two blizzards, torrential downpours in which you could only see two feet in front of you as an eighteen-wheeler blasted by you on a narrow highway, and, worst of all, Los Angeles traffic. I was stuck in standstill traffic so long, I had to pee into one of Ollie’s dog bowls and empty the bowl out the window. Glamorous.
I happen to love the discomfort of travel. It’s a signal to me I am digging deep into life. For example, my incredible scuba diving experience in the Philippines I wrote about last December on the blog would not have been as grand if I had not been on a ferry in a tsunami for nine hours the day before, watching people throw up over the ship’s bow.
Contrast is one of the greatest sources of pleasure to be had on planet Earth. The sigh of relief when you finally eat after feeling hunger for so long; the experience of love making after a drought of human touch; feeling your feet hit the ground after they have gone numb on your tenth hour of driving; these are the things that make human life satisfying for me.
Writing a book, especially a personal one, is not free of discomfort, either. Perhaps the greatest discomfort of all is to dig so deeply within yourself you flip inside out. Then you run into the the seemingly impenetrable task to go about turning yourself right side out, but only after you’ve wrung the last drop of wisdom from your soul.
When I wrote Book One, I had to cut off all communication with the outside world. I did not drink alcohol or go out with my friends. I fasted daily as digestion affects the flow of my writing. I left no stone unturned as I shifted through the shambles of my existence and rearranged them to bring the reader into my story, to etch it into their memory, as so many stories of others are etched into mine.
On my way home from California, I re-listened to “A Moveable Feast,” the great American writer, Earnest Hemingway’s memoir. He talks of his time in Paris, where he wrote some of his best work. He does not glamorize his life in Paris. He talks of skipping meals because he could not afford to eat more than once a day. He details beautifully how careful and creative he had to be to survive in the city. He describes how he made his appearance unapproachable as to not be bothered when writing, which is something I also have done, a tactic I continue to use.
Further into the book, Hemingway quits his day job as a newspaper reporter to invest in his novel writing – a big gamble and with a family to support. They had so little money he wore a sweatshirt for long underwear because he could not afford new clothes in the winter. The result - the critically acclaimed "The Sun Also Rises" and the career start of a great American writer.
When I was listening to his memoir, I could tell that his decision to dedicate his life to his craft was never really a choice. It was something that permeated every cell of his being and the space between the cells. He rearranged and shifted until he created a perfect space to create his masterpieces. He sacrificed the perceived human pleasures for the sake of creation, a pleasure and passion of the soul.
All the sacrifice seemed but tiny details in the grand picture of his creations in his memoir, and he looked back on his time of being poor as the happiest time in his life. The simplicity of it is something I understand and can savor like a piece of melting dark chocolate in my mouth.
The soul journey, the experience of getting to know all of the parts that make up your body of consciousness, the realization that your soul has been incarnating on this planet for thousands of years, and that there is so much more to you than this singular human existence is not for the weak of heart. It is not for those lacking in courage, which is simply acknowledging fear and then acting anyway.
It is uncomfortable more so than any other human task. You have to face your demons and call them your own. You have to take responsibility for knowing every single thing in your life you created. There is no one to blame for your misfortunes. You have to gather up your human shortcomings, sort, and rearrange them until they work for you, not against you. It is not easy but it is beautiful and it is worth it.
I started this article with the title people do not know what it takes to create big, but that is no longer a truth for me. Perhaps people do know what it takes to create big, and that is why they have chosen to sit on the sidelines. I’ve certainly had the times in this life where I simply wanted to observe, where I went numb for a bit to have a break.
I’ve had lifetimes where I ignored my passions, my soul’s desires, to stay in the human comfort zone, which is also an experience to be had. That’s the beauty of the earthly set up, if you don’t create big this time around, there’s always the next incarnation waiting for you. Your soul is so patient, so unconditionally loving it will never leave you. It will never give up on you. It will honor your journey, your free will, and the knowledge it gains with every breath you take in the physical body. The act of being human is an act of courage, and sometimes that’s enough.
If this is your life to create BIG, to follow your soul’s passion to create and experience those creations, you already know no one is going to hand it to you. That would defeat the purpose. It would take away from the joy of experiencing the creative nature of the soul - your unique soul - and, for me, the entire point of human existence.
As your friend and fellow human, my only advice is don’t avoid the grit, don’t avoid the discomfort, dive into the deep end of terrifying simply to witness your ability to float. If you want to write that book, paint that picture, quit your day job like Hemingway, know that it won’t always be easy for the human. There will be sacrifice involved and the beauty is in the sacrifice. It's not a step to skip. Later, the sacrifice seems like a gift you gave to yourself. The difference lies in perception. What's poverty to one person is simple living to another.
One of the most satisfying of all human experiences is to go into the mess, the chaos of creation, to pull the diamond out of the lump of coal. The illusion of unbearable pain and breath-taking defeat is part of my story, something I chose. It was an essential ingredient to enjoying the sweet satisfaction of creating BIG. One I will choose again, in awareness and sensuality, as I write my second book and continue to canvas this amazing blue-green planet.
Lauren Hutton is an adventurer who writes about the soul journey and what it means to be a human in expanded awareness. She is the author of Becoming Sar'h and shares more intimately on her Patreon page. If you enjoy these offerings, please consider becoming a monthly patron or making a one-time pledge of $12 to keep this website up and running.
Oh-be-Ahn, friends. I honor you in your unique journey.
This is an excerpt from the 30 Days of Self Love experience happening over on the New Energy Creator Patreon page. Sar'h says there are certain keys to unlock conscious creativity - self-love, operating beyond duality, and using gravity in your creative favor. The series focused on the first. Thanks everyone who has joined us for the ride as we finish up the last five days. The next series will focus on "The Creation Senses: Moving Beyond the Senses of Perception." Anyone is welcome to join our Patreon community at anytime. We're having some excellent discussions over there in a safe, private space. Here's Day 25...P.S. It's not been all love and light - promise....
For me, the journey of self-love or perceiving myself and my surroundings through the lens of love has been all about getting to know myself. I do not experience self-love as being about 'loving' your imperfect body or personality traits; it is so much deeper than that, as you are aware.
When you are in the deep end of awareness, when you find you are bathing in the self-love sense, what your body looks like, your human personality, your relationships, your bank account all seem like tiny details in the GRANDNESS of your being. It's all a distraction from the space of wholeness.
In my experience, I did not discover my own grandness until I had the courage to get to know myself. Not just my human self, but all of the planets, stars, and dark matter that make up the universe of me.
I'd like to think there's plenty left to explore because I don't want to leave this experience. Ever. It feels way too fantastic. Should I run out of universe to explore, I will create another just to keep this energetic orgasm flowing.
The orgasmic experience, for me, lies in the sweetness of experiencing wholeness, in sensing the completeness of my being. It is remembering the FRUIT OF THE ROSE - which can not be described in words, only experience sensually.
It's not that I had to summon the courage to explore the depths of SELF. I didn't need will power to have the audacity to get to know all of mySELF. It came from a place of deep passion, an innate desire of the soul to experience self-love in its most expanded state.
I cleared my path to completeness through the song of self-awareness, with staccato notes of revelations and realizations, that my human self followed when there was nothing left to guide us.
Once I caught the bug - once the pilot light of passion for SELF was lit - nothing else mattered. I became singularly focused on SELF. I began to desire my own essence more than I ever longed for another person. It was strange to witness the internal shift. Being with another person was nice for a time. Yet, it pales in comparison to the sense of union I am experiencing now within me.
This sense of love, of union, of awareness, is GRANDER than anything I've ever experienced in my lifetimes on this planet, maybe anywhere else in all of creation.
Robert Frost said "Earth's the right place for love; I don't know where it's likely to go better." I've read that line a million times in my life. It is from my favorite poem, "Swinger of Birches." I couldn't comprehend it until now, yet as a teenager, I knew the poem held the secrets of the universe within its words.
Now these are just words backed up by senses, filled with passion, the scent of the rose placed between each sentence. Sar'h sings the notes of love in my ears. Perhaps you hear it too? Perhaps you too can feel the passion ignited within yourSELF - a fire that's been burning for ages.
"I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."
Full poem can be found here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/44260
Thank you to everyone who has been following along on the blog. This is the last post that will be public for the 30 Days of Self Love series. The rest can be found on PATREON. Posts will be private for subscribers, which is nice because the comments and interaction between Patrons will be private among like-conscious souls. Join us over there for daily interaction and/ or stay tuned on the New Energy Creator blog for more from Sar’h of Alexandria per reader requests.
I will admit yesterday morning I had a moment where I felt I should not post so intimately in a public space and for 30 days no less. What was I thinking?! The notion crossed my mind that it wasn’t safe. Furthermore, what did I have to say that was worthy of your attention? And worse, what if someone read what I was writing and judged/ persecuted me for it. These are normal feelings that come up for all of us when we put ourselves out there.
It gets easier as time moves on. For example, the week that Becoming Sar’h: Book One was released I had a nightmare about being ‘found out’ every night for a week. Yesterday the ‘it’s not safe’ feeling lasted for about twenty seconds. That I can manage. The week was hell. Too bad, I told the aspect, the book is coming out! While I was letting the self-doubt voice/ aspect do its thing yesterday, my soul voice – the one I call Sar’h – stepped in.
“It’s not what you write, Lauren. That doesn’t matter. It is the permission to be you no matter what. You can ramble on or whatever you feel like. It’s the exercise of sharing who you are everyday that matters.”
This experience is something I shared with a close friend, and she encouraged me to write it here. No matter how far you go putting yourself out there. No matter how much and how many times you have integrated that doubtful aspect. It will come up again and again.
What changes is how you respond to it. Now, it’s sort of like a guidepost that I’m headed in the ‘right’ direction in being who I AM. When I’m creating big, like publishing a book, the voice tends to get louder. Don’t share that; we’ll be burned at the stake for it; we’ll be hung on a cross for it… And we know that at one time that was a valid concern for all of us, AND it no longer applies to what we are creating. Thank goodness for the New Energy.
Self-love is not only about honoring our experiences and sensing the wholeness of who we are. It is also about allowing all parts of ourselves to be exposed in an act of self-love, and I encourage everyone here to do it. Even if you already out there, sharing you, take it to the next level of intensity. Whether it’s sharing even more with a friend, writing in more depth, whatever being more of you entails, do it.
I watched Alice in Wonderland the other day – the Tim Burton version. In it there is a great dialogue between Alice and Mad Hatter, brilliantly played by Johnny Depp. If you haven’t seen it, you must.
“You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more muchier; you’ve lost your muchness,” said Mad Hatter to Alice.
“My muchness,” Alice asked.
“In there (he points to her heart/core), something is missing,” Mad Hatter answered.
How can we be in our own ‘muchness’ even more than we already are? I believe finding out is an act of self-love, a step toward perceiving our grandness in even more awareness.
So now I’m going to take you on a few twists and turns. Please hang on. I promise it will be worth it.
The night I slept in the hotel in Bend, Oregon – I have totally lost track of days, and I gave up trying to remember – I had an intense dream that I was four months pregnant. I have had these dreams before, when I am about to birth a new awareness within myself.
One of the craziest, most intense of these stories happened in 2014. I signed up to go on a trip to Egypt with a group, with people I had never met. Prior to signing up for the trip, I had a dream in which I was pregnant and the doctor told me my due date was April 30th. It didn’t make sense at the time, yet after I signed up for the trip I realized it would end April 30th, which is the day I had scheduled to fly home.
For context, the trip began in Cairo, included a week on a sailboat on the Nile, and then we went to Jordan to the Dead Sea and to Petra. Then I was to return home to Austin, Texas. However, about a week before I left for the Egypt trip I had another dream.
In the dream, I went to the doctor and said, “Hey, I’m way past my due date and this baby will not come out.” I was panicked in the dream. The doctor said, “I know it’s uncomfortable but just wait four extra days. The baby will be born on May 3rd.” I had no idea what this meant but knew enough to make a mental note of it.
That previous November (2013) I was attending a friends wedding in Lima, Peru. We were at a museum when I saw a painting of a woman and a wheel. There was something amazing going on with the woman in the painting. I knew her. It was totally insane to me at the time to ‘know’ a woman in a painting in a museum. Now it’s totally normal. I often giggle at pictures of the Last Supper. Oh hey, I know all those people, but this was way before I could giggle at such a thing.
When I got closer, I saw the painting was of Saint Catherine of Alexandria. Some of you may not know who that is, so hang on for her story, and then I’ll get back to mine…
Please note for the sake of time, parts of the story were lifted from Catholic websites who honor her. I intend to write her full story from a channeled perspective, as we have had many conversations, when time permits. It’s been on my list for a while now. Yet that day is not today.
Catherine (picture below) was born in the Egyptian city of Alexandria - that’s also where Sar’h, Yeshua and Mary Magdalene’s daughter was born - in the late 200s AD to wealthy parents. As she grew up, Catherine was known throughout the city for her beauty and her preference to spend her time reading and studying, which was not the norm for a young woman.
You see when Catherine was a child, she had a vision of the Madonna and child, and she became gripped with what she considered the true teachings of Yeshua. From the age of 14 to 17, Catherine ‘converted’ hundreds of people to the ways of Yeshua, who had lived about 300 years before her.
Now it so happened that Emperor Maxentius made a visit to Alexandria, which was part of his empire. While he was there, he heard about Catherine’s beauty and intelligence and was quite disturbed by how many people she converted, as he was not a Christian ruler. He commanded his servants to bring her to meet him. As soon as he saw her, he decided he wanted to marry her even though he already had a wife. Worse, he wanted to control her.
Catherine was not going to have it. She told Maxentius, who worshipped the ancient Roman gods, that it would never happen. She was in a sacred marriage with Yeshua, she said referring to her dedication to deeply understanding ‘the kingdom is within.’
Maxentius then gathered together a great number of teachers and professors who also believed in the Roman gods. He told them to persuade Catherine that her Christian faith was nonsense. She listened to them for a while. Next she started answering their points convincingly. The result was far from changing Catherine’s mind. These wise men began to change their minds. Catherine had successfully converted all the scholars to Yeshua’s teachings at the young age of sixteen.
The emperor was not only angry; he was alarmed. He gave orders that Catherine should be put to death in a horrible way. He had a large wheel made, with sharp blades set into the outside rim. Then Catherine was to be tied around this edge, and the blades were intended to cut her to pieces as the wheel was rolled along.
It didn’t go according to plan. When Catherine was bound to the wheel, it broke and the blades flew off in all directions, wounding the soldiers who were supposed to be putting her to death. Some people say all this was caused by lightning striking the wheel. Whether that is true or not, Catherine’s executioners didn’t try making another wheel. They beheaded her at once.
As the story goes, a flight of angels then descended from above and carried her body to Mount Sinai, where God had given the Ten Commandments to Moses. Even today there is a monastery named for Saint Catherine on Mount Sinai. Many people still celebrate Saint Catherine of Alexandria’s Feast Day on November 25, which was her birthday – and Enola’s birthday – and my/ Lauren’s due date…yet that whole story is too much for now but will be included in Book Two…Joan of Arc also credits Saint Catherine with visiting her and giving her guidance in her life. Again, more of that will be included in one of the many books I have going…
OK, so what’s all this have to do with May 3rd, and the dream that declared it my due date? Well, several days into the Nile sailing portion of the trip I heard the Egyptian guide and a new friend, Anne, talking of Saint Catherine, and I suggested we go to Mount Sinai after the group portion of the trip was done. They agreed. My new flight home would be no other day than May 3rd, which is also my dad’s death date but I digress.
Anne and I stayed past the group trip and made our way with the Egyptian guide to Mount Sinai. We not only climbed Mount Sinai, half on camel and half on foot, we also visited the Saint Catherine monastery. That night after the long journey, I fell into a deep sleep.
There in the dream state I reclaimed part of my soul. I reclaimed what I now know to be an aspect - the martyr. Catherine came home. She was no longer out there lobbying for the true teachings of Yeshua. That chapter of our soul journey and like many others was complete.
There is so much here to write, and I will do it in the many books that sit inside me waiting to be birthed. But today, I sit here – figuratively four months pregnant – nurturing my physical vessel – my human body – and nurturing my body of consciousness – which contains all aspects and facets of SELF – and wait patiently for whatever creation is on its way. If that’s not self-love, I don’t know what is.
One final note, since I began this 30 Days of Self Love journey, I have turned into even more of a crier than I already was. I find myself in buckets of tears at least twice a day if not more. It’s not sad tears but something entirely different. Anyone else crying tears of joy, relief, love, or whatever the hell this is? I would love to hear your comments on any of the above topics or anything addressed in the past week. Oh hell, just share anything you want. I’d love to hear from you.
Giant Texan Hug,
Lauren and the lot